I'm Only Sleeping
by sassymuch
Summary: THIRD GEN: Follow Janine Hogart daughter of Jay and Paige through her struggles of her senior year at DCS. A/N: Pairings of parents are here for a reason. No complaints please.
1. Nowhere Man

**he's a real nowhere man, sitting in his nowhere land  
**

The University of Toronto had always been a creepy place for Janine Hogart. Neither of her parents had gone to this college, but something about it reeked of Jay and Paige. She didn't like coming here to visit her brother or to visit her cousin. But she did it regardless. It was about 9 PM and she'd just gotten back from an extremely excruciating sit down at the Dot with her on and off again boyfriend, Hayden McCormmack. (He'd just gotten back from Australia to tell Janine that he was only back to get all of his stuff before he went back to Australia indefinitely.) Janine had been so furious the entire time that she was talking to Hayden that she'd neglected her call from Cameron, and she'd also forgotten about the voice mail until just now when her stupid alarm went off.

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. It's 9," She grumbled at her phone before she flipped it open and clicked the button that would turn her alarm off. She'd set it for 9 so that she would be sure that she was with Cameron, and not still screaming at Hayden, earlier today. She saw that she had a voice mail and let her not so manicured finger hit the button as she put the receiver to her ear.

"_Hey Janine. It's Cameron, but I'm sure you already knew that. I just wanted you to know that you're my favorite cousin, and that..."_

The voice mail had stopped after 'and that' and Janine didn't know what to think. There was a silence that was followed by an insanely loud thud and as she felt her hand moving to her face she felt her eyes begin to sting. "Holy fuck, Cameron!" Those were the only words that were able to come out of her mouth before she heard the end of the message.

"**To save your message, press 9. To delete your message, press 7. To return the message sender's call, press 8. To return to the main menu, press 1."**

Janine listened as the stupid robot talked and she shut her phone before she pressed the buttons on her speed dial, calling everyone that she knew and cared about. First came Serena, Serena _never_ let Janine down; until today. Next came Cohen, but Janine hung up on that one before the third ring. Christian was third and right when she was about to call Cameron she dropped her phone onto the floor before she let her hands hit her steering wheel nice and hard. "Damnit, Cameron!"

She was definitely crying now. She took in a deep breath, so far she'd only wasted 2 minutes and she picked up her phone with a shaky hand before she hit '2' on her phone watching as the word 'TRIS' came up onto her screen.

When Tristan answered, Janine was attempting to compose herself, but by the tone in Tristan's voice she hadn't done a very good job.

"Tris, its. It's Janine,"

"Janine. J. Calm down. What's wrong?"

"We have to go to Cam's room. Now."

"Just tell me what's wrong?"

"He OD'd Tris. He OD'd and he did it on purpose. I just hope... I hope we're not too late."

----

It didn't take too long for Tristan to arrive right by Janine's side after that short phone call. He lived in the apartments across the street from the dormitories and as soon as Janine saw her brother she enveloped him into a big hug.

"I'm scared, Tris,"

"Everything is gonna be fine, I promise,"

Janine let the hug end and took her brothers hand in hers as they faced the large brick building and each took in a deep breath. They both had the same thought before they took their first step, _It's now or never_.

It didn't take long to get to Cameron's floor, or for Janine to notice that his music was blaring and that his door was open. She let herself think happy thoughts, that Cam was being a jerk who was playing a joke. _That's it, Janine. He's just joshing with you... thats all,_ But her thoughts weren't convincing her, at all. Instead they were making her take slower steps.

It took an eternity, but Janine and Tristan finally made it into Cameron's room, and before anything could process, Janine had let go of her brothers hand and had found herself on the floor crying. Something she hadn't done in ages, she hadn't had the need to cry. Until now.

----

Janine wasn't sure when Tristan had gotten her off the ground and into a chair in the hallway, she didn't know when she'd managed to grab a hold of Cam's glasses and she sure as hell didn't know when she'd gotten so damn cold. All that Janine _did_ remember was Tristan pulling her into a tight hug and then the two of them turning to hear Cacie shouting at someone. The siblings looked at each other before pulling Cacie into the hug too.

Janine had let Tristan drive her home, she hadn't said a word the entire time staring blankly out the window before she realized that she was home. She was going to thank her brother for the ride when she noticed he was at her door side, helping her out of the car.

"You're going to stay tonight?"

"I wouldn't leave you here alone tonight, Niners."

"Hey, Tris... can I ask you something?"

"Yeah, J."

"Why do you think he did it?"

"Sometimes it seems like the only way out, sometimes just leaving the situation seems like the best alternative. Whether your family is gonna like it, or not,"

Janine and Tristan had told their parents, Paige and Jay, the bad news as soon as they went inside. Well, Tristan had told them and Janine sat staring mindlessly at the fridge. Paige had been crushed, and left the house in a rush to get to her brother Dylan's house.

"Tell Uncle Dylan we said hi?"

"Don't worry Tristan. I will, and sweetie... take care of your sister?"

"Sure thing, mom,"

"I love you,"

"Love you too,"

----

The next thing Janine knew, she was laying in her brothers bed. But tonight she wasn't alone, tonight Tristan was with her. She let out a sigh as she looked up at the ceiling above her brothers bed, thinking about nothing at all. She had the sudden urge to play 20 Questions, it _was_ their thing after all, but instead she'd tell Tristan something he'd better not soon forget.

"Hey Tris,"

"Yeah, J?"

"Don't ever do something like this. Okay?"

"Okay J, I won't. Promise."

"Pinky swear?"

"Pinky swear, now get some sleep Niners... we've got a family to see tomorrow,"

"Okay Tris,"

Janine turned and looked at the digital clock that rested on her brothers night stand. The clock read 2:20 AM. It was nearly 7 before she got to sleep.


	2. Baby's In Black

**she thinks of him and so she's dressed in black  
**

Was there pain if no one saw it? Was it better to heal on your own terms? If you didn't cry did you have no heart? Those were just a few of the questions on Janine Hogart's mind as she got ready for her cousins funeral. She already had on her black dress and she'd had Cam's glasses in their little Superman case that Janine had made all by herself in her purse. She had the simplest make-up on possible. A foundation and concealer to hide the bags under her eyes and a bit of eye liner so she didn't look so plain. Janine looked at herself in her bedroom mirror fluffing her now loose curls slightly before she picked the photo booth pictures she and Cameron had taken in Malibu off of the side of her mirror. She let out a small breath as she cut them in half so that she had two in one hand, and two in the other. She picked the two pictures that she thought looked best and put them into her purse before she stepped out of her room, her purse on her shoulder.

Janine walked into her brothers room and kicked around with her pantyhosed feet attempting to find the stupid Manolo's she'd bought in Malibu with Cameron. She sighed and walked out of Tristan's room downstairs. She let out a sigh of relief when she looked at the foot of the sofa and saw her shoes.

"Janine sweetie, don't forget to eat something before we go. We're going to be out for a while,"

"I know mom. I know,"

Janine sighed as she slipped on her shoes walking around in a small circle before she headed into the kitchen and threw her purse onto the table softly so that she wouldn't damage the Superman case she held in it. She walked to the fridge and pulled out a round container as she felt Paige's eyes on her.

"Janine, that isn't what I meant when I said food. I meant something nutritious, not cheesecake."

"Bot mom. It was tradition. On a Janine and Cameron hang-out day you eat a slice of the cheesecake for breakfast, one after lunch and one after dinner. Not to mention the various pieces in between meals,"

Janine watched as her mother poured a cup of coffee for the two adults of the family with a loud sigh.

"Whatever you say, just eat a banana or something... Cameron liked those, too,"

"Yeah mom. Cam liked bananas,"

Janine smiled slightly and placed the round container onto the counter top, throwing the top into the trashcan. There was one piece left and Janine grabbed a spoon before she began to dig in to the deliciously rich cheesecake that only she and Cameron were about to eat.

"Janine."

"Mmm?"

"Your banana,"

"Shank you,"

Janine took the banana from her mother acting as if everything was normal before she sat the banana down by her container returning to leaning on the counter top as she took another bite of her cheesecake.

-----

Sometimes it felt like her dad and brother took longer to get ready than she and her mother did, and Janine was happy to finally be in the car. It was only 8 now as the Hogart family drove in a silent car towards the funeral home.

"Hey pops. Turn up the radio,"

Tristan looked at Janine from the backseat and raised a brow at her. She knew that his eyes were questioning and that was why she just opened her dumb banana and dug in to it acting as though Tristan hadn't looked at her all creepy to begin with.

-----

When the Hogart family parked at the funeral home it was only 8:15 AM. The carride had been silent except for Paige who had been talking on the phone with Dylan about the arrangements of the little shindig that was going down after the burial. Janine didn't like hearing that talk, and so as soon as Jay parked the car she was pulling the lever on the car door working her way out of the car.

"Janine! Go find your Uncle Dylan, he needs help with something,"

Janine grunted and headed into the funeral home putting her purse onto her shoulder as she walked quietly into the funeral home. As soon as she set foot in the room she got chills. She felt Cameron's presence and Janine took in a breath feeling now all of the emotions that everyone had expected to see at school for the past few days. Her throat was tight and her hands were getting clammy.

"Uncle Dylan,"

Janine smiled at her uncle, walking up beside him and giving him a hug before she stood beside him again watching as Tristan entered the building too, giving Dylan a hug.

"Well its a good thing you four are here early... well, it would be if we had something you needed to do... your mother has been up here for the past few days doing _everything_ short of giving Cameron a haircut,"

Dylan chuckled slightly and Janine pursed her lips slightly watching as her brother patted her uncles back. She didn't know what to say so instead she backed up and took in a breath taking a left so that she could be away from this madness. Janine shut the door that she'd just entered and felt a little taken aback when she saw the casket of her cousin. Janine walked up to it slowly, and placed her hands along the mahogany.

She looked down at the tiny little pew that was set in front of the casket and she knelt down on it, genuflecting to the casket as she put her hands into a position that was reserved for praying. She figured she may as well speak, Cam would be able to hear it. Thoughts or not.

"Dear God, er... I know you've got a lot on your plate but could you make sure that my stupid... I mean _lovely_ cousin Cameron gets to heaven safe? And that his dads, Dylan and Marco, can get through this real easy. Not everyone had a Cam to look at to learn to heal... and I know its probably a lot. But, could you make sure that Cameron doesn't do anything stupid? I mean, mess with anyone you know. When we were kids... well, you know what I'm talking about."

Janine felt like she was rambling and she stood up and genuflected again looking down at her cousins face. She wiped a tear from her cheek and opened her purse, taking the photo booth pictures from Malibu and placing them inside Cameron's pocket. She also pulled out a piece of notebook paper that was folded over about 5 times and placed that into Cam's front pocket too.

"I love you, Cam. Even if you are a fucking idiot,"

Janine sighed and bent down, kissing Cameron softly on the cheek before she stood up straight again wiping away a few tears.

"And if you tell anyone I cried I'll try my damn hardest to make sure that you get nightmares up in heaven,"

Janine laughed slightly at herself before she grabbed her compact from her face making it look as if she hadn't cried at all.

-----

After she talked to Cam, Janine had gone back into the main part of the funeral home and had then been escorted with her parents, brother, uncles and grandparents back to where she'd come from: the main room of the parlor. It was about 10 AM now and she'd felt like she'd been here for an eternity. It was about 10:30 when people started to come in. Janine shook so many hands and heard so many 'My condolences,' she wasn't sure she'd be able to make it through the day. There were only several who were truly sincere. The first was Serena's.

"Janine,"

"Sere,"

Janine had spotted Serena's signature red hair as soon as she'd walked into the funeral parlor. The two shared a hug and Serena had told Janine it'd be alright. That Cameron had done everything he could, because no one was gonna make Janine Hogart be a saint. Janine had laughed at that was when she remembered how much she missed Serena.

It was nearly another half hour before Janine saw anyone she could actually place. It was Cacie, and when Cacie's amber eyes made it to the wave of golden blond tresses that was the Hogart-Michalchuk family Janine averted her eyes, looking to the ground instead of attempting to make any contact with Cacie at all. When Cacie had gone to talk to her family Janine excused herself and walked, swiftly, out of the main room.

-----

She hated all of the pathetic stares that she'd been getting all day. The pathetic hugs and the stares they all made her want to shoot something. She hated how people looked at her with a sense of pity that irked Janine like no other. She didn't want to admit it, yet anyways. She'd probably complain to her mom later.

-----

It was exactly 11:11 when Janine was about to head back to the sea of blond hair and specks of blue eyes when she watched as the Stone family walked into the parlor. Mack and Cohen, anyway – Degrassi's favorite twins who had lost their older brother at the very beginning of the summer. Janine didn't know what to say to them, but when Mackenzie came to Janine, Janine nodded as if she was actually comprehending what Mackenzie was saying. The truth was, it was all mush.

After Mack had walked away, Janine could still hear Cohen breathing and she turned to look at him.

"Hey, C,"

"Hey J,"

"I didn't know you knew Cam,"

"I didn't, but from what you say he's a pretty great guy."

"Are you just here for the food?"  
"No. I'm here for the free hugs I hear the curly blond will be giving out,"

"Well Tristan's inside,"

Janine smiled slightly at Cohen before she gave him a tight hug. "It gets more bearable. I would know," Janine nodded and let Cohen go. She would have smiled a real smile, had it not taken any effort, but instead she rubbed Cohen's arm walking with him back into the main room of the parlor.

-----

Uncle Dylan had told Janine that she was going to have the great honor of starting off the eulogies... and it had taken her the past few days just to think of a good story to tell. But as she walked from her seat in the pew up to the microphone she forgot everything that she'd planned to say. Instead of admitting it. She decided to wing it. It was the Hogart way, after all.

"Good morning. As you know, we are gathered here today to celebrate the miracle that was the life of Cameron Paxton Michalchuk. He was taken from us at a very young age, and though it may not seem like it now he has done everything he was set out to do.

"If I were angry at him for being gone I could mention the times that he'd put on dresses back in the day... and I could ask Tristan to pull out the photos. But I'm not angry at Cameron for leaving me so soon. Because he gave me the kind of friendship that you only hear about on TV.

"I hope that everyone who is sitting here today will take this second to remember a time when Cameron did what he did best, helped you realize that life was worth living. He did that for me almost every day, and though he cannot be here with me in body he will be with me every day in spirit. I love you Cam."

Janine nodded at the people who were out in front of her and she took in a deep breath before she stepped off the little podium and went to sit back down next to her brother. It wasn't a good eulogy, she could feel it. But she couldn't help but stare at the speckled carpet that was underneath her Manolo'd feet.

-----

Janine had blanked through every other eulogy and looked up just in time for Cacie to begin to walk up to the podium. Janine looked at her family and stood up from her pew, walking quietly out of the room and walking back into the main room of the parlor. She sat down in a sofa that was in the main room and looked out the window.

Janine turned to her left and saw a large picture of Cameron that she hadn't noticed before. It was little 5 year old Cameron with 5 year old Tristan and 4 year old Janine. They looked like idiots, with cat make up on their face. Janine felt a tear fall down her cheek.

If a tree fell in the forest, but no one was around, did it make a sound? If Janine Hogart cried, but no one was around, did she have a heart?


End file.
